Time Out

"The man with insight enough to admit his limitations comes nearest to perfection."
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

There are not many times where I question my abilities to be a good Step mom. I know that I provide stability, comfort, and love to my two boys in every way I can. So when I had to send them back to their Mom early this weekend, I was heartbroken and ashamed.

Earlier in the week, I had a seizure. Something that has never happened to me before. My body ached and my head pounded and all I felt like doing was sleeping. When it came time to pick up the boys, I mustered every ounce of energy I had to try and be the happy, exuberant, playful Step mom that I always want to be for them. And I couldn't do it. While Avery was able to stay home with us on Friday, he had to return to work Saturday. Which meant that I had to take care of the boys by myself. And I knew I couldn't do it. And it broke my heart.

The guilt I felt in having to pack their suitcases and explain to them why they were going home early weighed heavy. I cried and cried after their Mom picked them up. I sat and thought to myself, "real moms don't get to do that; why should I." And then I got very mad at myself.

I know in my heart that I love those boys as if they were my own. And I know that they know that too. They saw how upset I was. They knew I wasn't sending them home because I wanted to. So feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in my self-pity was hurting no one but myself. I have never given those boys any reason to doubt that I love them with my whole heart. So why should I.

I think as Moms and Step moms, we tend to put pressure on ourselves to be perfect. Do the perfect projects; spend the perfect time with our kids; make the perfect memories. But I think it's the little things between those "perfects" that make our children know that we love them. It's the kisses on the owies, the extra chocolate in the chocolate milk, and the bear hugs when they walk in the door. Even when I can't do all the activities or spend all the time I want with the boys, I know they know I love them. And that's perfect for me.

The Spiderman Invasion!!

Monkey see, monkey do. Once Thomas saw Allen in his Spiderman costume, he decided he no longer wanted to be Thomas the Tank Engine. He now wanted to be Spiderman too. So we had two Spidermans for Halloween!!

Our Halloween started the last time we had the boys, which is when we carved our pumpkins. Allen dove right in and seemed to enjoy scraping out the "pumpkin brains". Thomas, on the other hand, did not like the idea of getting dirty. Once we got his all cleaned out, he was all for the carving part :)









Their pumpkins turned out pretty cute...





On Friday night we took the boys to the SafeTreat in the dorms. They made out like bandits! And Dad and Darcey got a workout going up and down those stairs...









On Saturday, I took the boys to their very first UW Football game!! They had lots of fun and did amazingly well during the game! I fully expected to be leaving at halftime with two cranky, bored kids but they lasted the whole game!











On another note, Allen has been asking about his Uncle Randy a bunch lately. I think he is old enough to understand what it means when we say Uncle Randy is deployed. He asks to see the world map so he can figure out where "Lasmanistan" is (that's how Allen pronounces Afghanistan).



Just so you know Uncle Randy, we are always thinking of you and the boys ask about you all the time. Stay safe and we'll be seeing you soon! Love you Dooter!

The Surprise of a Lifetime!

Since I have so many things to post on here, I couldn't decide whether to do one big blog or to break it up. I decided this entry needed its own blog since it was so special!

Our first wedding anniversary was the 27th. We went out to dinner that night and stayed home and played cards. It was so nice to spend a quiet night at home with my husband and enjoy each other's company! I can't believe we have been married a year already! Time flies when you're having fun...





I had lots of fun and I thought that was it...little did I know my sneaky husband had something up his sleeve!

First, Avery showed up at work at around 10am. He told me I needed to change out of my work shirt because we were going somewhere, but he wouldn't tell me where. I was thoroughly confused, but went along with it. After I changed, he had me sit down with a word search that he had made for me!



After I found all the words, I had to circle the letters that were left. I got to V-E-G before I figured out we were going to Vegas!!! I was so excited I forgot to circle the rest of the letters to find out what we were doing there. Avery made me finish it in the car and it spelled out "Vegas Phantom". Avery was taking me to Las Vegas to see the Phantom of the Opera!! At this point I was shaking and crying so much I couldn't say anything! I don't think I have ever had a sweeter or more shocking surprise. Avery had been planning and plotting for months to make this work. I will never in my whole life be able to express how much it meant to me :)

Our trip was amazing, even though it was quick. We arrived at the Loveland airport to catch our flight...





...after we checked in to our hotel we went to the Seafood Buffet at the Rio. A-maz-ing!! We stuffed ourselves on crab legs, lobster, shrimp, and scallops.





They even had a gelato wheel with all kinds of different flavors. It was an amazing dinner and it definitely takes the top spot for my favorite place to eat in Vegas.





After dinner it was time to head to the Venetian to see Phantom! I was so excited that I started crying when we walked into the theater! I was so impressed that Avery would take me to see it, especially when I know he is not the kind of guy that likes plays or musicals. It was absolutely amazing and I am so happy to have seen it!



We spent the rest of the night walking around the Strip and playing roulette, which my husband happens to be very good at :) After a few hours of sleep, we headed back the airport and flew back home. It was the most romantic 24 hours ever :) I'm not sure that Avery understands just how special he made me feel. I wonder more and more everyday how I got lucky enough to marry him. Our first year of marriage has been everything everyone said it would be: difficult at times, trying in spots, and the most wonderful experience of my life. I am so thankful to be Avery's wife and I can't wait to enjoy all the rest of our days together. Thank you baby for everything you do and for being an amazing husband and father. Happy Anniversary!!

American Soldier

Avery's brother Randy deployed to the Middle East this week. We miss him lots and are sending him lots of good thoughts! I hope he remembers to look at the blog :)



Thank you Randy, and all those that serve or have served, for protecting our rights and our freedoms. You are in our thoughts always. Love you!

Thin Blue Line

"Do you worry about Avery when he's at work?"

It's a simple question with a complicated answer. How do you really explain what it's like to be the wife of a police officer? How do you make someone understand that flexible dinner plans, solo weekends with the kids, and falling asleep alone are all commonplace events?

I take an incredible amount of pride in being the wife of a peace officer. It makes me proud to know that my husband is out there upholding the law and helping those in need. I also know that all too often his job is a thankless one, usually from the very people that need his help. So I try not to add to the thanklessness and be understanding when our plans get cancelled or our phone rings in the middle of the night. I can't lie and say it's not difficult. But it comes with the territory.

I guess that's how I view the worry that is also commonplace in my life. It's not the kind of worry that makes my mind race with anxiety or my pulse quicken when he's late. It's a kind of worry that simmers below the surface. It is always present. But I don't realize how present until I hear the front door open and close at the end of his shift. When I finally feel my shoulders relax. When my heart slows down just a little bit.

Yes, I worry about him. But I also have incredible faith in his ability, his training, and his coworkers. I am also wholeheartedly aware that my husband chose this profession because he is good, and kind, and has an amazing urge to do the right thing. All things that I love him for. So I take the worry. And I treasure the moments when I don't have to worry because he is laying right next to me.

Fall is in the Air

And just like that October is upon us. Where has this year gone? While I am not at all prepared for the coming winter, I do love seeing the beautiful fall colors in the quickly-changing leaves. With hunting season now open we have had many opportunities to get out and enjoy the warm weather and beautiful scenery.



Allen and Thomas were very excited to go hunting with us last weekend. I think they were even more excited because Avery had the whole weekend off which meant lots of Daddy time! In preparation for our hunting trip, the boys (with some help from Daddy) made their very own rubber band guns, complete with a rope sling. They turned out so cute!



The boys were so excited to take their guns hunting with us. I know they will be treasured keepsakes for years to come, but more importantly they have a special memory of time spent with their Dad, which is worth much more.



While we didn't manage to get an elk (.yet.), the time spent as a family was wonderful. It was amazing to see the boy's expressions when they heard an elk bugle for the first time. I am proud of the traditions we are passing on the Allen and Thomas, but more importantly, I feel like we are teaching them how to be self-reliant. I like the idea of knowing where my food comes from and being involved in every step of the preparation. I want them to learn to appreciate nature, and also to be thankful for all we have been blessed with.









In other news, we were very excited (and slightly apprehensive) to add another member to our family. We are now officially a family of two grown ups, two kiddos, and three dogs (.yikes.).



Harley is an eight-week old chocolate lab mix and was in need of a good home. While this was not exactly what we had planned, she has been a wonderful addition to our family. Chazz loves playing with her and follows her everywhere. Sadie is a bit more standoffish but seems to appreciate having another distraction for Chazz.



Our family is definitely complete...for now :)

Bad Blogger....

Holy moly! I am only two weeks into school and I already feel behind! I apologize for not keeping up on postings. Such is life!

Since I'm about a week behind, I guess I am okay to wish my wonderful husband a very happy birthday!! His birthday was last week but I am just now getting this video put together. It's a list of a few of the reasons why he is the man I chose to spend my life with! I love you baby with all my heart and I'm thankful everyday for you!

Since Avery's and Thomas's birthdays are a week apart, we usually have one party for the both of them. I imagine we will only be allowed to get away with this for a few more years :) We celebrated with presents, barbequed shrimp, and two different cakes! I only got pictures of Thomas opening his presents and then my camera "mysteriously" disappeared only to be later discovered under the couch...very suspicious:)

Thomas was quite impressed with his Slinky....




...and he really liked his Cow card from Uncle Randy...



...and his tackle box was awesome...




...but the best present ever and the one I know he will cherish is his Cars quilt that his Grandma Cowardin made him. How special!




All in all it was a wonderful day spent with family!

I should also mention that the boys both started preschool this week! Allen is in his second year of preschool and returned to the same teacher. Thomas started his first year and is in the same class with Allen. Their teacher is Mrs. Hall and she is amazing! I was a little worried about them being in the same class but I think they are both independent enough to do their own thing. My little boys are growing up!